heng_like_a_dragon

[Blade sets the bottle of wine down. He doesn't move to drink just yet. After a moment, he takes his phone out of his back pocket and sets it on the table.]

My memory is unreliable. It was that way in my past life, though for a different reason. [The mara. Though that's the demon's name, too, and he's avoided using it in case he invoked something he couldn't undo.] ... So I decided to read my record, rather than dealing with the beast interfering.

[He picks up the cup and looks down at the clear wine in it.]

What do you recall of the Xianzhou?

[Dan Heng nods at that. It makes perfect sense to him. He doesn't reach for his own cup yet, but he's certain he will before long.

That question, though... it's such a loaded one. Dan Heng doesn't think that Blade means for it like that. Still, with this as the opening question, he can only feel a spike in that sense of dread.

He decides to be truthful.]

In my memories as Dan Heng, I only read about it through books.

[His expression is even more unreadable than normal as he says this.]

[He's quiet for a minute as he soaks that in. Something about Dan Heng's manner seems... different. Colder. More familiar in that respect, too.]

Then I will tell you what I know.

[He sips the wine.]

... The Blade of that time was born under another name: Yingxing. He came to the Xianzhou after the total destruction of his planet by a race known as the borisin. He dreamed of forging the greatest weapons the universe had ever seen so he could avenge his family. He apprenticed on the ship Zhuming until he had learned everything there was to know, and then he came to the Luofu to learn more from its artisans.

Yingxing found his inspiration in the lessons he learned and the friends he made. Among those friends was the High Elder of the Vidyadhara, Imbibitor Lunae. Together, their group was known as the High Cloud Quintet. Though he only had a human's lifespan compared to his celestial companions, Yingxing worked tirelessly to make weapons worthy of the great warriors around him. He eventually succeeded.

[He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.]

As he matured, something else happened. He... fell in love. Despite their stations differing drastically they did what they could to stay in touch. They swore their love and devotion to one another with the moon as their witness.

[He is carefully not making eye contact.]

... Should I keep going?

[As much as Dan Heng doesn't want to talk about The Shackling Prison, he gets the sinking feeling that me might have to. Even if it's not today, he'll have to talk about it with Blade eventually. It's an executioner's axe waiting to fall on his neck.

Instead of thinking about that, he listens to the story of Yingxing. That's a name that rings familiar, and it sounds like joy and grief in a very distant way. Like it's not his emotions, but someone else's memory of emotions. Hearing the name "High Cloud Quintet" gets the same emotional response. Given that Blade says Imbibitor Lunae had been part of the group, Dan Heng can imagine that the group had possibly been his closest friends.

He's a little surprised to hear that Blade had married someone. Or, at the very least, Yingxing got engaged. Maybe the person had been the previous Imbibitor Lunae, given the moon would be important to him, but he's not 100% certain.]

... Yes, you can continue.

[Dan Heng will listen without judgment or interruption. His focus is entirely on Blade.]

[Blade nods. He's only dancing over that part for now, but he'll come back to it.]

The High Cloud Quintet became something like folk heroes to the Xianzhou. They had many great victories in a short amount of time. But Yingxing grew older, and it was plain to him and his lover that their fate was to be a sad one. Still, they resolved to live every moment like their last.

[In. Out. In. Out. He can feel the emotion rising. The... anger. The betrayal. The grief. The love and hatred... it's more powerful than he is. He has to be careful not to awaken it again.]

But there is no escaping the cost of war, which is as eternal as the Xianzhou people. Having lost nearly everything, Yingxing and Imbibitor Lunae worked in secret toward a solution that could break the cycle. During that final act of defiance, Yingxing was killed by one of their own while defending Imbibitor Lunae.

[His crimson eyes settle on Dan Heng.]

That ought to be where that story ends, but the book went on.

The power that granted immortality to the Xianzhou people also flowed into Yingxing. He was twisted from a human into an abomination. He came back wrong.

[He finishes his drink and sets the cup down.]

... His killer took his life. Over and over... until he lost his mind. Until he forgot everything but the sensation of death. She abandoned him eventually, and he wandered without a name. He floated in and out of his memories. He longed for his lover and his friends, and could not be reunited with them.

He remembered both the joy and the sorrow, the love and the hatred. His dear one did this to him, but it was a sin they committed together. They both had to pay for it... His killer, too, had sins to repay. So he resolved to find them, no matter how far he had to go.

One day, he felt his love's hand in his.

That day, the chase began.

[Blade rolls up his right sleeve to show the bracer tied around it. He undoes the bindings and sets it on the table in front of Dan Heng, and he says nothing.]

[Dan Heng listens in silence. His expression betrays none of his emotions... except for two parts. Yingxing being killed by one of their own brings a flash of memory tainted with pain, and a familiar woman's voice saying something he can't quite make out. A momentary flicker of that pain can be seen briefly in a tightness around the corners of his eyes.

The second... is the bracer.

He remembers wearing one like it. Dan Heng closes his eyes for a moment and looks away. The older man is quiet for a long time. Implications sink in and thoughts begin to form with this information. Pieces of a complicated puzzle are sliding into place.

Yet, Dan Heng doesn't want this to be one-sided. Information about Yingxing was given freely, though with great pain. Maybe he doesn't owe Blade anything, but he does owe Yingxing if his suspicions are correct.]

I do recall some fragments of memory from the previous Imbibitor Lunae, but some pieces of this story's puzzle still remain hidden at this time.

[He opens his eyes and meets Blade's gaze.]

Do you want to know what happened to Dan Feng? Or is there more to your story?

[He witnesses those flickers but he's not entirely sure how much Dan Heng would remember. It seems to be an unreliable thing. He isn't sure if it's a good thing to remember in the first place. Blade has lived this life determined to make his own way, but this is the first time he's gone back on that. If Dan Heng wasn't here, he wouldn't pursue anything at all...

He pours himself more wine while Dan Heng takes it all in.]

It wasn't clear in the text, either. I'm not sure why. Maybe the details don't matter...

[He looks down at his cup for a moment.]

It was only your name that came up, not his.

[Dan Heng had mentioned he was Dan Feng's reincarnation. Just the sound of that name had nearly sent Blade spiraling back into it... but here, he's expecting it. He keeps control, for now.]

... How did he die?

[Dan Heng thinks about that.]

Or perhaps it's because the details are murky based on what Yingxing knew at the time.

[He hums in acknowledgment at that.]

I suppose that makes sense based on what I know.

[By accepting the horns atop his head, Dan Heng takes on the title, the merits, and the faults of every life that came before his own. It's the way of the Vidyadhara high elder, even former ones like him.

Even though he expects the question, he glances away.]

He was taken to The Shackling Prison. [Absently, Dan Heng starts to rub at his wrists as if they're bothering him.] The elders wanted to interrogate him about the Arcanum and the location of the dragon heart. Then, the Judges read their decision to sentence him to death to him. Then... a white-haired Cloud Knight Lieutenant visited him to tell Dan Feng about the negotiations he was conducting on his behalf. The Vidyadhara didn't want him to die, but neither did they want him to leave. Throughout it all, Dan Feng was completely silent. His last thought was of drinking with his friends.

[He pauses, and then looks to the porcelain cup. Dan Heng picks it up, staring at the rice wine for a moment.]

They had sentenced him to undergo hatching rebirth and then exile. [A breath.] My first memory of Dan Heng is being chained in The Shackling Prison. I was reborn in that darkness, and I wasn't let out for a very long time. All I had then were books to keep the shadows at bay.

[Dan Heng stops there and looks over to Blade. His expression is carefully neutral. This is his armor and shield.]

... I'm sorry.

[He doesn't know how else to say it. There's a certain guilt he can't help feeling. Dan Heng isn't that person. He's not Dan Feng, and he's not that Dan Heng, either. Yet... Yingxing lost someone so close to him and had no idea of his fate, nor did he knew of Dan Feng's final thoughts. He's sorry that it had to come from Dan Heng, two reincarnations removed.]

[setting his cup down] Perhaps.

[It's not a bad theory. Yingxing's memory, particularly after his death, was not... reliable. Not in the slightest. What's important, he realizes, is how they handle all of this information. How they... choose to move on. Blade is always going on and on about how he doesn't need a past he doesn't remember, but he isn't sure how to move on either...

As Dan Heng answers his question, Blade regrets asking. Just the name of the prison is enough to send a chill down his spine. He remembers the darkness. The chains. The smell. He knows that is no place for someone as luminescent as Imbibitor Lunae.

And it's no place for a child. As Dan Heng unravels the missing piece of the tapestry, Blade looks more and more haunted. A part of him is... furious, even. Disconnected as he is from the emotions his past self might have felt, what happened to Dan Heng and Dan Feng is terrible.

His last thought was of drinking with his friends.

Blade covers his mouth and turns away. He feels like he's going to be sick. His memories may not be clear, but the emotions are very much present. He feels like the air has been knocked out of him.

Yingxing—Blade—has never been in love in this life. He doesn't remember it. He barely recalls the affection his parents held for him, something told more than felt. And yet, and yet, the love and sorrow and hatred and devotion that his past life felt seems more real than anything else. He feels it now, and he feels it when he looks at Dan Heng, and he feels it when he puts on that bracer.]

... No, [he manages, his voice thick with barely-restrained emotion,] Don't. I don't want to hear it.

[He gets up out of his chair.]

If anyone should be apologizing, it's... me.

[He needs some fresh air. The relatively spacious apartment he owns suddenly feels too small for two people. He strides over to the sliding glass door and out onto the deck, where he sinks against the iron railing.

He wants to weep. He didn't even know he was capable of it.]

[It's difficult some days to know when Dan Heng is being himself and when it's... someone that's him yet not him. Sometimes, that's a feeling he has in certain situations. This is one of those. He takes no pleasure in seeing the pain on Blade's face. As cold as Dan Heng is, he has a heart.

He watches Blade get up and leave. A war erupts in his heart. What should he do? Dan Heng has only really comforted his little sister. Not to mention, he's not certain Blade wants to see him right this second. However... part of him wants to at least be present. Even if they don't talk, just having someone there and Blade knowing that he's not alone might be enough.

Mind made up, Dan Heng gets up after a minute and walks out to the deck. He rests his arms on top of the railing and leans against it, looking out at the skyline. There are no words he can give right now. All he can do is offer his quiet presence and wait to see what Blade wants to say.]

[Blade lifts his head when he hears Dan Heng join him out on the deck. He doesn't say anything for a minute, but the bubbly sniff he gives is very telling. His cheeks are wet, too. He rubs his face on his sleeve and returns to resting his elbows atop the railing.

He's never been so vulnerable in front of someone before. He hates the feeling.]

You must despise me.

[He glances down at the street. He isn't really looking.]

Letting myself be swayed by memories. Falling prey to some beast. Threatening you like some mad specter of the past...

[This situation is so awful that he wants to laugh.]

All for a love neither of us fully remember.

[He's silent as he listens to Blade. He's silent for a moment after, trying to think of his words... and he can't. So, Dan Heng sighs softly and glances over to him.]

That's not what I'm feeling in regards to you.

[What the fuck does he feel? It's a damn good question, but Dan Heng's certain that's not it. He doesn't hate Blade. Not even in their past lives did he hate the man. Scared of him? Absolutely. But hate has never been a factor.

Dan Heng looks back at the skyline.]

I never hated you. But you did terrify me.

[He can't and won't deny that. Maybe when Blade earns more of his trust, he'll more fully explain the depths of his terror, but right now? He can't. It's too fresh.

But....]

It's in the past, and we are not those people. Not fully. They're part of us, but we will never be completely who they were.

[Dan Heng glances at him, hesitating, and he thinks of what Theo would say. The stubborn man had always been better in these situations than Dan Heng could ever hope to be. He thinks... Theo would encourage him to take a chance and follow what his heart is thinking instead of his brain, for once. So—]

... We can start over, if that's what you want.

[—he follows his heart this time.]

[Dan Heng... doesn't hate him?

... This is brand new information. It is information he does not know what to do with. For once, it's plain on his face. He built up this whole mental image of Dan Heng in his head as some kind of cruel, oppressive man around his age who killed Blade over and over out of some sadistic hobby, but that got dashed as soon as they met. They've spent a little time together since, and every misconception and assumption has been thrown aside.

It's enough to make his head hurt.]

... Are you sure?

[There's something wry in the curve of his lips. He turns to face Dan Heng, one hand wrapping around the top bar of the railing. He makes it look casual, but his knuckles are white.]

What if I told you, [he murmurs,] that those memories feel more real than the ones from this life?

[It's almost certainly the demon interfering, but that's beside the point.]

Where do I draw the line between him... and me?

[Dan Heng meets Blade's eyes at that.]

Then I will disappoint you, as I'm not Dan Feng and I can never be him. I'm not going to be his shadow. To you or to anyone else.

[His tone is firm and a little icy. He refuses to be seen as someone else ever again. Dan Heng didn't tolerate it in his past life, and he sure as hell isn't going to tolerate it in this one.]

I can't tell you where the line is. Unfortunately, that's something you'll have to feel out. [Dan Heng's gaze sharpens slightly.] Preferably in a moment when you're certain your friend isn't hindering those efforts.

[Ah, yes, there's the coldness. He remembers.

But there's something else, too. Despite the resemblance, the mannerisms, all of that—even Blade can see the differences. Yingxing had dedicated his life to revenge and the other Blade had, too, but all he cares about is making something that outlasts him.

... Maybe neither of them are truly like their past lives. Maybe Dan Heng is right (yet again).]

I never asked you to be Dan Feng. [Dan Heng's bristling doesn't bother him any. He turns back to the railing, and rests his elbows on it once more.] Not that I recall him in any great detail, anyway.

[He remembers the intensity of that fire, though. A love so passionate, and a life so changed...

But it's the accusation that the demon is his friend that makes Blade snarl. His lips pull back around his teeth.]

That thing isn't my friend. It's my prison warden. My executioner. But never, ever a friend.

[He peers at Dan Heng, one eye obscured by the angle and his hair.]

I do not recall selling my soul. It's just one more violation tallied on this body.

[Dan Heng stares at him for a long moment before looking back at the skyline.]

Then I apologize.

[Truly, he's starting to wonder how Dan Feng and Yingxing even got engaged in the first place with how often both of them have stepped in it with the other. ... He'll stubbornly ignore the times he's seen Blade being cute.

It hasn't escaped his notice that Blade hasn't answered the question. Instead of calling him out on it, Dan Heng simply lets it go. As far as he's concerned, a lack of an answer means an unwillingness to provide one.]

[After a minute, Blade relents.]

... It's fine.

[He lets out a sigh and follows Dan Heng's gaze to the skyline. This bougie-ass apartment complex really does have a nice view of Brick Alley and all the cute little shops anyone could ever want. It would have made another person very happy. But to Blade, all he feels is emptiness.

Something is missing. Something that he fills with what he creates, though it never lasts longer than a minute. When he thinks about pulling away from everything, turning off his phone and never looking at the app again... he knows it would be even less fulfilling than what he's doing now.

Could he cut Dan Heng out of his life now that he's in it? Sure. But it wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. It... it would only drive him madder than he already is. Blade... aches. That is probably the other Yingxing's burden, but the hurt feels all the more real because he can't pinpoint where it's coming from. It's overwhelming and uncontrollable. It makes his demon itch.

When he speaks again, his voice is low and quiet, with barely a trace of the gruffness he usually carries. He sounds small and defeated.]

... Is that what you want? To start over from the beginning?

[Is such a thing even possible?]

You don't owe me anything. You could cut your losses and run.

[Maybe Blade could chain himself to something so he doesn't pursue Dan Heng while out of his fucking mind.]

[Dan Heng takes this time to calm himself again. His bristling earlier might not have been entirely fair. He's not sure. Still, he did toe a line and he needs to watch his words. Not for the first time, Dan Heng wishes Theo was still here to ask him for advice. But Theo's not here. He's on his own, now.

He shies away from those thoughts when he feels that sharp stab of grief and loneliness. For a dark moment, Dan Heng thinks he prefers the pain of the knife that went through him years ago than this emotional pain.

When Blade speaks up, he tilts his head slightly in a silent indication that he's listening. For a moment, the shorter man closes his eyes. They're both a depressing mess, aren't they? When Dan Heng opens his eyes, he looks to Blade.]

And yet here I am, offering to start over.

[He gives a slight, one-shoulder shrug.]

I'm willing to do so. We got along well enough in Kanto despite how our first meeting went, did we not?

[Blade shows some muted surprise at that. He really is offering... despite everything. Dan Heng truly is the most stubborn person Blade's ever met. ... Yet he can't bring himself to dislike it.

The glowing crimson might look terrifying most of the time, but for a moment, it seems... warm. Less of a demon's flame, and more like an ember.]

We did. [As usual, Dan Heng is correct.]

If you are hoping that I'll make you a nice lunch like you did for me, you'll be disappointed. My cooking is extremely basic.

[Is. Is this levity? This is levity, because the next thing he says is:]

I know a good pizza place, though.

Edited 2023-09-10 03:26 (UTC)

[It seems he's done something right, judging by the look on Blade's face. He's just going to ignore the warmth he sees there for now. Dan Heng's really not ready to look too closely at that today.]

I suppose I can suffer through pizza, but I'll pay for half of it.

[That is also a bit of levity in his voice. A dry kind of humor. He turns and starts to head back inside.]

I don't think that rice wine is going to pair well with it.

[That humor is dry as hell, but it gets a snort out of Blade so that's progress. Probably.]

It doesn't have to be pizza. I know how picky people get about the style.

[Well. If Dan Heng wants to stay a little longer, Blade isn't going to turn him out onto the street. He can try this... starting over thing. Dan Heng is trying and he's just as much a victim here as Blade is.]

... There's a Cantonese place about a mile west. They deliver.

Edited 2023-09-10 03:51 (UTC)

If it's not the style, it's the toppings.

[He doesn't have the heart to say that he doesn't have a preference. Pizza is pizza and he'll eat it regardless. However, Dan Heng does show some interest in this Cantonese place Blade mentions.]

I'd like to try that, then. I'll keep my expectations below that of my grandmother's.

[And possibly Zhongli's, now that he's thinking about it. His cousin is probably as judgmentally passive-aggressive as his dear grandma.]

Pineapple is still on the table as far as I'm concerned. I know that can make or break some people. [Which is why he's fine just ordering his own damn pizza at work.]

Hold on, then. [He pops into the kitchen to grab the menu out of a drawer. It's in both Chinese and English. He unfolds it and offers it to Dan Heng.]

I always get the char siu. [A pause, and then:] I can share.

[Dim sum with the reincarnation of the guy who tried to kill you/did actually kill you a few times? Sure, fuck it, why not.]

It's not my favorite topping, but I'll eat it if it's there. My limit is sardines, personally. [Something about the way most pizza places do that makes it absolutely disgusting to him.

Dan Heng takes the menu and looks through it. He glances up with a faint look of surprise on his face at Blade's offer to share his food. Looking back down at the menu, he decides to compromise.]

Mm... I'll take you up on that, but I also want to try their egg fried rice. I don't mind if you join me.

[The face Blade makes at the mention of sardines is expressive even for him. It's safe to say he's not a fan, at least in this life.] Sardines don't belong anywhere near pizza whatsoever.

[He grabs his phone off the living room table and pulls up the number for the Cantonese place. He pauses for a second when Dan Heng offers to share.

It's just a favor done in return, but...]

... Sure. It's probably good.

[And it's hard to fuck up fried rice, but somehow, Blade has done exactly that.]

Do you want anything else?

[He is in his own house but this feels like... god, is this what a fucking date feels like? Is that why he's so nervous suddenly? No, he's not going to think about it. He's not.]

IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)