heng_like_a_dragon

[Dan Heng meets Blade's eyes at that.]

Then I will disappoint you, as I'm not Dan Feng and I can never be him. I'm not going to be his shadow. To you or to anyone else.

[His tone is firm and a little icy. He refuses to be seen as someone else ever again. Dan Heng didn't tolerate it in his past life, and he sure as hell isn't going to tolerate it in this one.]

I can't tell you where the line is. Unfortunately, that's something you'll have to feel out. [Dan Heng's gaze sharpens slightly.] Preferably in a moment when you're certain your friend isn't hindering those efforts.

[Ah, yes, there's the coldness. He remembers.

But there's something else, too. Despite the resemblance, the mannerisms, all of that—even Blade can see the differences. Yingxing had dedicated his life to revenge and the other Blade had, too, but all he cares about is making something that outlasts him.

... Maybe neither of them are truly like their past lives. Maybe Dan Heng is right (yet again).]

I never asked you to be Dan Feng. [Dan Heng's bristling doesn't bother him any. He turns back to the railing, and rests his elbows on it once more.] Not that I recall him in any great detail, anyway.

[He remembers the intensity of that fire, though. A love so passionate, and a life so changed...

But it's the accusation that the demon is his friend that makes Blade snarl. His lips pull back around his teeth.]

That thing isn't my friend. It's my prison warden. My executioner. But never, ever a friend.

[He peers at Dan Heng, one eye obscured by the angle and his hair.]

I do not recall selling my soul. It's just one more violation tallied on this body.

[Dan Heng stares at him for a long moment before looking back at the skyline.]

Then I apologize.

[Truly, he's starting to wonder how Dan Feng and Yingxing even got engaged in the first place with how often both of them have stepped in it with the other. ... He'll stubbornly ignore the times he's seen Blade being cute.

It hasn't escaped his notice that Blade hasn't answered the question. Instead of calling him out on it, Dan Heng simply lets it go. As far as he's concerned, a lack of an answer means an unwillingness to provide one.]

[After a minute, Blade relents.]

... It's fine.

[He lets out a sigh and follows Dan Heng's gaze to the skyline. This bougie-ass apartment complex really does have a nice view of Brick Alley and all the cute little shops anyone could ever want. It would have made another person very happy. But to Blade, all he feels is emptiness.

Something is missing. Something that he fills with what he creates, though it never lasts longer than a minute. When he thinks about pulling away from everything, turning off his phone and never looking at the app again... he knows it would be even less fulfilling than what he's doing now.

Could he cut Dan Heng out of his life now that he's in it? Sure. But it wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. It... it would only drive him madder than he already is. Blade... aches. That is probably the other Yingxing's burden, but the hurt feels all the more real because he can't pinpoint where it's coming from. It's overwhelming and uncontrollable. It makes his demon itch.

When he speaks again, his voice is low and quiet, with barely a trace of the gruffness he usually carries. He sounds small and defeated.]

... Is that what you want? To start over from the beginning?

[Is such a thing even possible?]

You don't owe me anything. You could cut your losses and run.

[Maybe Blade could chain himself to something so he doesn't pursue Dan Heng while out of his fucking mind.]

[Dan Heng takes this time to calm himself again. His bristling earlier might not have been entirely fair. He's not sure. Still, he did toe a line and he needs to watch his words. Not for the first time, Dan Heng wishes Theo was still here to ask him for advice. But Theo's not here. He's on his own, now.

He shies away from those thoughts when he feels that sharp stab of grief and loneliness. For a dark moment, Dan Heng thinks he prefers the pain of the knife that went through him years ago than this emotional pain.

When Blade speaks up, he tilts his head slightly in a silent indication that he's listening. For a moment, the shorter man closes his eyes. They're both a depressing mess, aren't they? When Dan Heng opens his eyes, he looks to Blade.]

And yet here I am, offering to start over.

[He gives a slight, one-shoulder shrug.]

I'm willing to do so. We got along well enough in Kanto despite how our first meeting went, did we not?

[Blade shows some muted surprise at that. He really is offering... despite everything. Dan Heng truly is the most stubborn person Blade's ever met. ... Yet he can't bring himself to dislike it.

The glowing crimson might look terrifying most of the time, but for a moment, it seems... warm. Less of a demon's flame, and more like an ember.]

We did. [As usual, Dan Heng is correct.]

If you are hoping that I'll make you a nice lunch like you did for me, you'll be disappointed. My cooking is extremely basic.

[Is. Is this levity? This is levity, because the next thing he says is:]

I know a good pizza place, though.

Edited 2023-09-10 03:26 (UTC)

[It seems he's done something right, judging by the look on Blade's face. He's just going to ignore the warmth he sees there for now. Dan Heng's really not ready to look too closely at that today.]

I suppose I can suffer through pizza, but I'll pay for half of it.

[That is also a bit of levity in his voice. A dry kind of humor. He turns and starts to head back inside.]

I don't think that rice wine is going to pair well with it.

[That humor is dry as hell, but it gets a snort out of Blade so that's progress. Probably.]

It doesn't have to be pizza. I know how picky people get about the style.

[Well. If Dan Heng wants to stay a little longer, Blade isn't going to turn him out onto the street. He can try this... starting over thing. Dan Heng is trying and he's just as much a victim here as Blade is.]

... There's a Cantonese place about a mile west. They deliver.

Edited 2023-09-10 03:51 (UTC)

If it's not the style, it's the toppings.

[He doesn't have the heart to say that he doesn't have a preference. Pizza is pizza and he'll eat it regardless. However, Dan Heng does show some interest in this Cantonese place Blade mentions.]

I'd like to try that, then. I'll keep my expectations below that of my grandmother's.

[And possibly Zhongli's, now that he's thinking about it. His cousin is probably as judgmentally passive-aggressive as his dear grandma.]

Pineapple is still on the table as far as I'm concerned. I know that can make or break some people. [Which is why he's fine just ordering his own damn pizza at work.]

Hold on, then. [He pops into the kitchen to grab the menu out of a drawer. It's in both Chinese and English. He unfolds it and offers it to Dan Heng.]

I always get the char siu. [A pause, and then:] I can share.

[Dim sum with the reincarnation of the guy who tried to kill you/did actually kill you a few times? Sure, fuck it, why not.]

It's not my favorite topping, but I'll eat it if it's there. My limit is sardines, personally. [Something about the way most pizza places do that makes it absolutely disgusting to him.

Dan Heng takes the menu and looks through it. He glances up with a faint look of surprise on his face at Blade's offer to share his food. Looking back down at the menu, he decides to compromise.]

Mm... I'll take you up on that, but I also want to try their egg fried rice. I don't mind if you join me.

[The face Blade makes at the mention of sardines is expressive even for him. It's safe to say he's not a fan, at least in this life.] Sardines don't belong anywhere near pizza whatsoever.

[He grabs his phone off the living room table and pulls up the number for the Cantonese place. He pauses for a second when Dan Heng offers to share.

It's just a favor done in return, but...]

... Sure. It's probably good.

[And it's hard to fuck up fried rice, but somehow, Blade has done exactly that.]

Do you want anything else?

[He is in his own house but this feels like... god, is this what a fucking date feels like? Is that why he's so nervous suddenly? No, he's not going to think about it. He's not.]

[Dan Heng manages to hide his smile at the face Blade makes.] I agree.

[He shakes his head.]

No, that should be more than enough for me.

[There's no stopping Blade from ordering more food, of course, but this is good enough for him personally. Perhaps it's fortunate that Dan Heng isn't even thinking about this like it's a date.

He takes a seat at the couch and only now takes his first sip of the rice wine from what feels like hours ago.]

Hm. This is quite good.

They're usually generous with the rice, anyway.

[He dials up the restaurant, because it's so mom and pop it doesn't have a doordash listing. He orders in a mixture of English and Mandarin, which appears to be pretty normal for him; the lady on the line can clearly be heard laughing and reminding him what the Cantonese word is.]

Half an hour, [he says, and rubs at the back of his head.] I understand more Cantonese than I thought, but I don't think I can speak it.

[noooooooot making eye contact]

... Auntie teased me.

[Anyway... He'll sit down and grab his drink, too.]

I tried to pick out something nice. I usually drink something off the middle shelf, if I drink at all.

[It's interesting listening to the conversation on the phone. From what he can hear of the lady, she reminds him a bit of his sister. Dan Heng raises an eyebrow when Blade says he'd been teased.]

... Because you ordered with another person?

[He can see what's happening and he's kind of amused, but mostly... wow. Just more reasons why Dan Heng will never order food.

He gives a nod at that, though he looks subtly skeptical.]

I didn't think I'd be a top shelf occasion today.

[Sir, this is looking way more suspiciously like a date, now that they've addressed some of the emotional baggage between them.]

[Oh god. How did he know?]

I said the Mandarin word for something instead of the Cantonese one. [A looooooong pause.] ... And she noticed I was ordering for two.

[He sips the wine and hopes his face isn't too red.]

... I knew I'd be telling you some upsetting things. The least I can do is provide something good to drink.

[He swirls the wine in his cup for a moment.]

Besides... you're the first person I've shared a drink with since the accident.

[It's not a date, but it is a milestone... Maybe he's learning to live, little by little.]

Edited 2023-09-11 01:49 (UTC)

[Dan Heng scoffs softly, but it's out of amusement.]

Good thing you didn't let her know I speak Cantonese.

[The teasing would've only gotten worse. He's certain of that.

Ah... that's something Dan Heng can empathize with. It's been a long time since he's shared drinks with friends, too. Another tangle of emotions that can be tricky to separate between his and his past lives'.]

... Then I'm honored to share this with you.

[Yet another reason he couldn't speak Cantonese even if understands some of it. It's easy to become tongue twisted when he's being teased...

He's feeling a similar tangle of emotion, but rather than talk about it, he's going to be like Dan Heng and just drink through it. He tops off their cups, then picks up his own for what appears to be a toast.]

To new beginnings.

[He blinks when Blade tops off their cups and holds it up. Then, Dan Heng smiles a little at the toast and picks up his own.]

To new and old friends.

[And he'll drink to that.]

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