heng_like_a_dragon

[Dan Heng chuckles softly at Blade's reaction while he follows. The man's tail wagging isn't doing him any favors.]

Yes, dear.

[Said with all the subtle cheekiness Blade deserves. When they're a certain ways away from people, he'll take the other man's hand and thread his fingers between the other's. Dan Heng's eyes are focused on the horizon, but he senses that this is going to be a serious conversation. Still... he'll wait for Blade to bring it up himself and play along that it's just for 'walkies.']

[Blade doesn't shy away from holding his hand, at least. He weaves their fingers together almost too eagerly, and rubs his thumb over Dan Heng's. He's quiet for a minute as they watch the horizon, the boat gently rocking in the bay. It's nice and peaceful.

... He doesn't know where to begin. He looks down at the edge of the boat for a second, and briefly contemplates jumping in.]

My memories are still unclear about certain events, but... I remembered something a couple of weeks ago, and it stayed with me.

[The sea breeze is lovely, if still a bit chilly. Dan Heng's not very affected by the cold, but he knows Blade can be and so he leans against his boyfriend to help keep him warm. He gives his partner the time in silence, looking at him when he speaks. His brows furrow a little in concern.]

What was it?

[With how their pasts are, such things aren't always positive....]

[Blade runs his fingertips along the wood of the railing.]

... I thought I understood the sin we committed. I feel the gravity of it even now, lifetimes later.

[He breathes in through his nose and lets it out slowly. Then he glances over at Dan Heng.]

Dan Feng and Yingxing made a monster. Two, if you count what Yingxing became.

But... they also created a child.

Do you remember?

[His eyes are focused intensely on Blade as he talks about their shared sin. The 'monster' does remind him of the accusations of the mirage echoes. Blade can probably see the subtle way his face pinches.

"Were you sad when that abomination died, Dan Feng?"

A child, though... that rings a bell. His eyes narrow slightly as he stares at his partner in silence for a few moments.]

... Bailu. That's who you're referring to, right? [She's the only one he can think of who fits.] You're saying... Bailu... is our daughter?

[Blade doesn't look away. Instead he rests against the railing, back to the sea, and faces Dan Heng.]

Who else would it be?

[He presses his lips into a thin line.]

We lost someone very dear to us, went against every rule under heaven, and then a child appears with her face. Tell me, what else am I supposed to think?

[His brow furrows as he tries to remember.]

Vidyadhara aren't born.

I don't know, Blade, I couldn't remember anything of what she looked like in Dan Feng's time in my life as Dan Heng. I didn't even know you were Yingxing until that woman told me.

[Though, even that feels like a flimsy excuse. Jingliu's words come to mind almost immediately, questioning whether he truly forgot and whether he's just using it as a shield.

Dan Heng crosses his arms. He's... not sure how to feel about it, honestly. He has a human and Vidyadhara perspective on this, and it makes those feelings complicated as he looks back on those memories, fragmented as they are. As much as he wants to be happy about possibly having a daughter... the circumstances of her birth, Dan Feng's fall, and how the Preceptors treated her in the years following....

And the fact that he found a way to reincarnate Baiheng....]

No, they aren't.

[He remembers Dan Feng's despair at having their people's population problem sit on his shoulders alone. The pressure placed on him finding a way to succeed in freeing them from the cycle of reincarnation, of keeping their purpose as the Permanence wished.... A shadow of that old anguish can be seen in his eyes.]

Edited 2024-02-12 00:28 (UTC)

[Dan Heng's tone isn't meant to be harsh, but the words are a stark reminder of the state of their half-remembered pasts. Blade takes a second to visibly calm himself, his canine ears pinning against his hair. He's not sulking, he's just... collecting himself.]

... Sorry.

[He runs his hand through his bangs, sending them everywhere.]

I know this is a lot. But... you would have remembered eventually. The resemblance is too strong to be coincidental. I don't want to keep anything from you; I did enough leaving and refusing to explain in the last life.

[That free hand now grips the railing again.]

There's something else about this that has been bothering me. I don't think Dan Feng wanted the Healer Lady to suffer the way he had.

There had to have been other hands in this.

... That's what I believe.

[Dan Heng pauses, and then he seems to relax somewhat. He hesitates for a moment before reaching up to place his hand on Blade's shoulder.]

It's alright. And... I'm sorry, too.

[He's not mad, but they did let their emotions run a little too hot. Maybe Blade didn't think Dan Heng had been harsh in what he said, but he feels like he had been.]

I appreciate it, though I didn't necessarily blame you for not saying anything. Even if your past life didn't hate Dan Feng, I still would've understood anger towards him... and Dan Heng.

[Dan Heng takes his hand off of Blade's shoulder so that he can curl it underneath his chin in thought.]

Mm... while I think you're the best judge of Dan Feng's thoughts, I can't reconcile the narrative fed to the public with what I know of myself. While we are different people, there are core characteristics that remain the same across incarnations. At least, that's what I've come to believe.

[He thinks some more and then looks up at his partner after a moment.]

The Preceptors. They were involved in many matters, including Dan Feng's sentencing and death, and they had no problem with sending assassins after Bailu when I tried to speak with her for the first time. The maid that had been assigned to her and orchestrated the assassination attempt that day did try to get me to visit the Preceptors first, but I had refused. She didn't seem to like that I had no intention of reclaiming my status as High Elder of the Luofu.

[Blade leans into the touch a little, his expression mild.] It's fine. Really. My memory isn't the best, but it's a little better than yours when it comes to certain matters of the past. I would do well to remember that.

As for the anger... I doubt all of it was my own. [A pause.] When you—that is, the Dan Heng of the past—said that you would see it through until the end, that was the happiest I'd ever been. I didn't hear that woman's voice in my head for once.

[He squeezes their still-twined hands. See? Everything is fine. Ish. A shadow darkens Blade's gaze when the Preceptors are mentioned.]

Them again.

[He can't even be surprised, though hearing that they had tried to kill Bailu, an innocent, infuriates him enough that he bares his fangs for a second.]

They would have strongarmed you into it if you had gone, or worse. Perhaps they would have even threatened you with her well-being if you didn't cooperate.

Snakes. Vipers. [His grip tightens on the railing.] What are the chances they were part of this from the very beginning? What if... they deemed Dan Feng uncontrollable, and orchestrated his fall to seize control again?

[There's nothing they can do about past lives, about sins committed by them or by the Preceptors. And yet a part of him still despairs, knowing they struggled and struggled to free themselves of fate's trappings and couldn't see their way out of it.

No wonder the old Blade had been so fucking tired.]

[Dan Heng listens and seems to relax at the squeeze to his hand. All he can really say is:]

I'm glad I could drown out her voice, even for a moment. While I don't believe I knew the full extent of it, I... did get something of a taste of how her words can get into your head.

[Whatever she did, he knows it must've been torture to Yingxing. She implied as much from what he remembers, and Blade's unwillingness to even say her name in this life tells him all he needs to know.

Seeing how tightly the other man grips the railing, the dragon squeezes his hand reassuringly. Even if the Preceptors had been reincarnated into this life, they can't do anything to control Dan Heng. At this point, such a thing would be futile and only meant to hurt him.]

A pity that I chose to remain with the Nameless, then.

[His tone is mild with a subtle hint of scorn. The only real pity is that he couldn't take Bailu with him and could only visit her. As for the rest... he closes his eyes, leaning against Blade's side as he considers the possibility.]

... I would not be surprised if that was the case. I remember seeing a mirage echo from my life as Yubie. The elders had hated his decision to seal off Scalegorge Waterscape. They believed he did it to placate the Xianzhou. It's possible they carried this hatred into his next life as Dan Feng... especially when Dan Feng started befriending people outside of the Vidyadhara.

From what I remember of a conversation with the General, I had gotten the impression that what they wanted was Dan Feng's power, but without the... willfulness I suppose.

[He suddenly furrows his brow as a sliver of memory resurfaces. It's only words rather than images, but....]

I remember... the Preceptors had said something to convince Dan Feng that using his blood would work, but it's like trying to grab water with your hands.

Edited 2024-02-12 08:35 (UTC)

[Blade grimaces slightly.] ... Better that you don't try to imagine. There's a reason I went mad.

[He calms down a little, and squeezes right back.]

That statue was just the Preceptors saving face, then. [The statue he had, after all, spent an inordinate amount of time gazing at...]

If the little lady had been raised as their puppet as they intended, or if you had stayed beneath their thumbs, perhaps they would have succeeded. But they did not.

[His eyes narrow.] ... I think, on some level, I wanted vengeance against those Preceptors, too. It's... fuzzy.

[So he's at the limits of his knowledge. Still... After a minute, he pulls away from the railing so he can take Dan Heng into his arms for a hug. He doesn't want either of them to fall too deeply into the past. He nuzzles behind Dan Heng's ear and leaves a kiss there.]

It wouldn't have taken much. Plant an idea here, a hint there, and Dan Feng and Yingxing would have made their own path to destruction.

[He settles his hand on the small of Dan Heng's back.]

But that is the past. What do we want to do moving forward?

... She is family.

[The dragon only makes a sound of acknowledgement at that. He looks up at Blade for a moment before looking away.]

It was both to save face and to remind future incarnations of Imbibitor Lunae what Yubie had done. A monument to the Vidyadhara's continued sacrifice, and the high elder to blame for the loss of our home at Dragonvista Palace.

[Dan Heng won't deny what the statue symbolizes in truth. It's both a testament and an accusation. Yet... Dan Feng turned it around to also represent a place of serenity after growing close to the High-Cloud Quintet. At least, it was so for a time. Ultimately, it became the site for another tragedy and another sacrifice.

The Vidyadhara man makes a soft noise at that.]

I would not have blamed you for that, either. They took Dan Feng's horns away after his hatching rebirth. I can't imagine that was all they took from him during his imprisonment. And as for Bailu... they kept her isolated as much as possible, but she was more clever than they gave her credit for.

[It's not something Dan Heng wants to think about too much.

As Blade takes him into his arms, the dragon wraps his own arms around his partner. He buries his face in the other man's chest. His entire body seems to relax, especially with the affectionate nuzzle and kiss to his ear. Dan Heng turns his head so that his voice isn't too muffled.]

... She is, and there are feelings that I need to sort out. [He sighs softly.] I don't know what to do at this point. If she's been reincarnated like we have, she may very well have her own family. If she arrives as an outworlder... I'm uncertain.

I do believe she deserves to know the truth of her birth, but it would be a question of timing and if she even wants to know in the first place. It may be that we should take it at her pace regardless.

[He sighs at that.]

The injustices done to you and your past lives are innumerable.

[To say nothing of how they had engineered the fall of the High Cloud Quintet. Oh, they hadn't killed Baiheng themselves, but all they had to do was throw gasoline at the fire.]

They couldn't have been doing anything good. But... I'm glad she was able to look after herself.

[He closes his eyes for a moment and lets that old anger wash off him, thinking instead about the feeling of Dan Heng in his arms. He's warm and soft, and he fits perfectly, and Blade takes a minute to breathe in and allow the cool wind coming off the water to swirl around them. He can hear the snippets of conversation from the other end of the ship, but he ignores it.]

I imagine she would have her own feelings to sort out as well. So we'll go at her own pace, and tell the truth if she asks for it.

[He pauses.]

... I'll tell her the same thing that I told you. You are not Dan Feng, and she is not Baiheng either.

[softly]

What was Bailu like? Did you know her well?

[Dan Heng doesn't say anything to that. He's not sure he can, truthfully. He can only be glad that they're not in this life at the present, even if their shadow lingers over him.

The dragon is happy to take in this moment of comfort. Blade's arms help to keep him grounded. Slowly, his heart begins to settle, though the question of his feelings on Dan Feng technically having a daughter with Yingxing remains. His thoughts are interrupted by Blade's promises, and he feels a sudden surge of affection for the other man.

Dan Heng takes a moment to gather his thoughts to answer the question.]

It's hazy still, but I remember that she was bright, mischievous, and free-spirited. I'm sure you know that Vidyadhara don't have family units, but she wanted me to be her teacher. Honestly, she taught me some things about medicine, too, so she wasn't just a student to me. Her healing powers were phenomenal, though it... admittedly saddened me that I didn't have the same power of rejuvenation like Dan Feng did. I still don't.

But she taught me emergency medicine, and that had to be enough.

You two had more in common than you had differences. You weren't just a mentor, you were a peer. As High Elder, she didn't really have that before she met you.

You made her feel less alone.

[He says it so easily because Dan Heng makes him feel the same way.]

... I know what it's like to feel as if you can't reclaim part of yourself. But you learned what you could, and you still have the power to help others as you are now.

[He smiles a little, as confident as he sounds.]

You are fine just the way you are, [he says, planting another kiss in Dan Heng's hair,] —I promise.

[Dan Heng looks up at Blade when he says that, like it's coming from experience in a way. He's never really thought much about his presence in that way. In his past life, he remembers feeling more like a burden or a stain, or someone who only brought trouble and death with him wherever he went. Some of those feelings have carried over into this life, too. Yet here Blade is, talking about how his presence has brought an alleviation of loneliness to people within his small circle.]

... Baiheng, Yingxing, all of you in the High-Cloud Quintet alleviated Dan Feng's loneliness. Even I could feel that, or at least an echo of it. Some of the samsara we were in wasn't all because of bad karma.

[The dragon closes his eyes as his partner buries a kiss in his hair. He presses one side of his face against Blade's chest, listening to his steady heartbeat as he closes his eyes. That reassurance makes him feel much better about himself, and reminds him just how much he loves this man.]

I will keep that in mind. [Softly, he says:] Thank you, A-Xing.

[He falls quiet for a moment.]

That being said, if I could heal you, it would do much to ease my worries whenever you climb into a mech for testing. You have done enough harm to yourself with them to last many lifetimes.

[Hearing that surprises Blade a little, but then he smiles, soft and real.] Yeah. I don't regret meeting you in any life. Either of us could have parted ways in this life, and it would have been fine... but that wasn't what we chose. [He might regret the sin they committed, and the actions he took when he went mad, but he doesn't regret entering Dan Feng's life and that of the Quintet.]

You're welcome.

[He gives Dan Heng as long as he needs to speak up again. He's... expecting this lecture, honestly.]

If I told you I meant to take better care of myself from now on, would you believe me? I can't exactly surpass my past self if I die before he did. I have to live another twenty years and then some just to make up for all the time I lost.

[He plays with a little bit of Dan Heng's bangs.]

But accidents around the forge are inevitable. If I need a beautiful doctor to help me change my bandages, you'll always be my first choice.

[That gets a small smile from the dragon.]

I don't regret that choice, either.

[And he knows that Blade also doesn't regret it. At least this time things can be different.

Dan Heng looks up a little at his partner. He doesn't seem to mind Blade playing with his bangs. However, being called a beautiful doctor gets a blush from him. He glances away in a moment of fluster.]

Honestly, Yingxing. [Despite the exasperation, there's undeniable affection underneath it.] ... But you know that I'll answer any time you call for me. Although I'll believe you if you say you'll try to take better care of yourself, I will need substantial evidence to prove you'll eat and sleep regularly like you're supposed to.

[He smiles a little as he takes Blade's hand in his own.]

On the other hand, I like joining you for lunch and dragging you away for dinner. So it's not all bad.

[Blade's smile only grows when he sees the fluster. He leaves another kiss in Dan Heng's hair, and chuckles warmly at the exasperation in his love's tone.]

I... well. It's a work in progress. Like making mechs that don't explode when they have a catastrophic failure.

[He lets Dan Heng take his hand, and squeezes a little.]

I like those things, too. Besides, we both know if you made me feed myself I'd starve.

[He takes their joined hands and presses them against his own stomach. Which is still very muscular, by the way, even if he's acting like it isn't.]

Maybe I've been eating a little too well. What do you think?

The day that you don't wind up in an exploding mech will be a true feat of engineering, and possibly divine intervention.

[He's teasing, though. Blade's kiss and warm chuckle has him smiling a little wider, and he gently squeezes his hand back.]

True, you'd likely go right back to believing that espresso shots in Monster is good enough as a meal.

[Dan Heng allows it, even if he gives his boyfriend a raised eyebrow. With the most deadpan look on his face and the driest of tones:]

You could stand to eat a bit more with how much you're burning off at the forge. [He moves the two of them so that Blade's back is to the rest of the ship. Dan Heng really doesn't want anyone else to goddamn see or hear this. The Vidyadhara man moves his hand up to Blade's chest with a thoughtful, teasing hum.] It's either that or all the food is going here instead.

[He laughs at that.] Oh, probably... [He has a pact with Venti, after all.]

Oh, come on. That was one time. I needed something to offset the bitterness of the espresso and it worked in a pinch...

[Dan Heng's deadpan is something to be reckoned with. Blade stares right back, his canine ears perked up and attentive. He lets his boyfriend maneuver him around as needed, only barely fighting back a smile.

And then he feels the hand on his chest and goes red. He tries to be smooth about it, but Dan Heng being forward always gets him flustered like this.]

Could be a little of both, [he manages with minimal stammer.] I won't complain about eating more of your food.

[He leans in, then, pressing more purposefully against the hand on his chest. His voice drops to a heated whisper:]

I wouldn't mind adding more dragon to my diet, either.

As I recall, it was several times in one night with different Monster flavors.

[He loves and adores this man, but good Lord his meal intake when they first met had been the stuff of depressed nightmares.

Dan Heng smiles at that, feeling satisfied that he's gotten Blade to blush. His comment about adding dragon to his diet does get a bit of pink in Dan Heng's cheeks, though. He runs his hand flirtatiously up Blade's chest before putting it over his boyfriend's mouth.]

Dragon is off the menu while we're on this ship.

[His blue eyes glitter with a hint of mischief as he takes his hand off of Blade's mouth to let him speak again.]

If you're a good boy by being patient until we get back home, I might consider something nice as a treat for a belated Valentine's Day.

... Okay, but I had to do science.

[He's not doing very well stifling his laughter. He knows he's ridiculous, and he's just happy to see Dan Heng teasing and being alive instead of hiding away from his emotions.

The anticipation crawls up his chest along with that hand, but then he's silenced. His ears pin against his hair. Even so, his tail wags furiously at the key phrase... He can't help his dog brain. Before Dan Heng pulls his hand away completely, though, he leaves a kiss on his palm.]

Fine with me. I can't plan any surprises for Valentine's Day while we're on this ship, anyway.

[Even if that surprise is as simple as something like top shelf baijiu and moongazing.]

... Thanks. For listening to me earlier. [If he kept it to himself any longer, he might explode.]

Did you?

[Blade's absolutely ridiculous, but that's what Dan Heng loves about him. Besides, he feels a lot more comfortable and secure around the blacksmith, even with the specter of Teresa hovering at his shoulder.

The dragon blushes a shade pinker at the kiss to his palm. Cheeky dogboy.]

I... may have had some ideas since our date at Fireside.

[A lot of ideas, really, but not all of them are limited to just Valentine's Day. His eyes seem to soften at the thanks.]

I'll always listen to you and your troubles. [Bracing himself with both hands on Blade's chest, he gets up onto the tips of his toes to kiss his boyfriend.]

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