heng_like_a_dragon

[He stares openly. And stares. And stares. And then realizes belatedly that he hasn't said anything yet. He looks away and rubs at his nose, adjusting his sunglasses, trying to regain his composure. It's a little overwhelming to have both the demon's emotions and his own fighting for dominance in his mind at the moment.

To top it all off, his ears and tail are already visible and doing their thing.]

... It's good to see you.

[He clears his throat and pushes an untouched cup of tea toward Dan Heng. Then he wraps his hand around his own chai.]

I ordered a matcha latte for you. It isn't too sweet.

[... still not making complete eye contact.]

You look stunning. As usual. [ssssssiiiiiiip]

Edited 2023-10-27 19:02 (UTC)

[Dan Heng looks vaguely confused by the prolonged silence until he remembers that Blade hasn't seen him looking like this in quite a while. That... explains the reaction.]

It hasn't been that long.

[He's trying??? To lighten the mood a little with that tease. The offering of matcha tea does treat Blade to a small, soft smile as he delicately raises the cup to his lips.]

Thank you.

[The Vidyadhara man takes a sip of his matcha and prays that his blush isn't too obvious. The qualifier of 'as usual' does help him better understand what Blade is getting at this time.]

I didn't feel like getting out of... "costume," so to speak. But thank you. [...] You look handsome.

[That's what he's supposed to say, right?????]

Maybe. Time always flows the slowest when I am looking forward to something.

[He's pretty sure he could live off that smile in a barren, miserable winter. The longer Dan Heng sits there, however, the more Blade relaxes. He's blushing faintly beneath his sunglasses, though for this conversation, he decides to finally take them off. His glowing red eyes do make for a spectacle at night, but during the day, it's less obvious.

His lips curve. Hopefully, soon, he won't have this... problem to deal with.]

Sometimes it's easier to let it happen. It's been almost impossible for me to keep my features hidden, and it's been getting worse over time.

[He tries not to think about how much he'd love to see the tail and feel the tail because those thoughts will lead down a particular road and he can't do anything about that right now.

... Wait, did he just get a compliment? Oh no, now the blush is obvious. His ears flatten against his hair.]

—Ah. [He's wearing the sword hair stick, because it's almost Halloween and it feels seasonal. (And also every day, but that's just how he is.)] ... I don't mind putting in a little more effort when it's you.

[That's so embarrassing. But moving on:]

Anyway...

I called you out here because I wanted to tell you about my plans. I don't want any of this to be a surprise.

But good things come to those who wait. Has your patience been rewarded?

[He's glad to see Blade relax more. Seeing his red eyes, Dan Heng does wonder what color they used to be. It's an idle thought that he won't voice, though. Blade is a deadly beauty no matter what.

Dan Heng nods at that.]

The end of October tends to be where I'm at for such things. It tends to be too much effort to keep my original appearance while also focusing on my coursework.

[The flattening ears makes him chuckle quietly; it's a sound that might escape notice amongst the din of the cafe.]

The effort isn't wasted to my eyes.

[The pleasantries are over for now, it seems. Dan Heng gently sets his cup of matcha down and gives Blade his undivided attention.]

Alright, I'm listening.

[The corners of Blade's eyes crinkle. He answers without any hesitation this time:] Yes.

[He looks interested as Dan Heng talks about holding his original appearance. He must have looked like he usually does up until his powers manifested, and now this is his 'true' form... It's a reversal of the truth as Blade remembers it (however vaguely), with the same end result.

No wonder he's so sensitive about his appearance. But Blade has tried to make sure to compliment him since then, because as drop dead gorgeous as Imbibitor Lunae is, that isn't who Dan Heng feels comfortable being.

... That and Blade thinks he's beautiful no matter what he's wearing or how long his hair is, but that's beside the point.

The chuckle makes his ears stand right back up. Rather than acknowledge the compliment, he just. Takes another sip of his chai because he is too flustered to string words together.

A breath. A deep one. Okay. He's ready.]

... As you know, at some point, the demon will steal me into the Spirit Realm. Rather than waiting months or years in paranoia, I'm going to lure out my demon and have it killed. Since I have to use myself as bait, it isn't a foolproof plan. But I'm already being monitored closely by the Black Order as it is, and several people want to help, so I feel that my chances are better than they would be otherwise.

[Dan Heng returns the smile, but it's only for a fleeting second.]

Then all is well.

[It's definitely helped him that Blade does his best to be a little more careful about his compliments on Dan Heng's appearance. One day, he'll be more comfortable with this appearance and more confident in himself. In who he is as a person. That day has not yet come, but Dan Heng feels a little more hopeful about it.

He crosses his arms lightly as his partner talks about his plans for the demon. Dan Heng doesn't like it for what should hopefully be obvious reasons. Still, he does consider this.]

... I can't deny that there's an appeal to taking the fight to the demon rather than you waiting for the inevitable. Or for it to hurt someone before then.

[There's reluctance in his eyes, but also steely determination.]

If you're truly set on this as your course of action, then I must insist on being one of the people to drag you back out. However, you have to promise me two things.

[Dan Heng looks at Blade with almost a challenge in his gaze.]

The first is that you must survive until we can arrive. And the second... that you rest after we rescue you. No smithing until you get the clear from a doctor.

[He knows Dan Heng doesn't like how dangerous it is, but...]

Being dragged into the Spirit Realm is my fate. There is no way that the beast will wait until I die to collect, not with how violent it is... and it wants to hurt other people. I refuse to live the rest of my life in fear of the inevitable.

[There's a similar resolution in Blade's eyes, also. He looks less like the depressed, emotionally dead man who Dan Heng first met, and more like the shade of a fiery blacksmith from another age.]

I am. I'm going to make a pact with Venti in order to do it. If you came to help... it would be dangerous for you moreso than anyone else. You realize that, don't you? It knows who you are, and it despises you.

[He closes his eyes for a moment.]

... Still, I won't tell you not to come. If I lose myself, you are likely the only person who can drag me back out of it. There are places that even healing music and Kafka's words cannot reach, but we've been to those places before.

[He meets that gaze without shying away. The candle-flame in his eyes burns as bright as ever.]

I promise. I'll need to do something with my hands, though, or else you'll wish you'd left me in hell. [He says this with a sharp-toothed grin. He's only half kidding... He really does feel the constant urge to create, and he knows he's a terrible patient because of it.]

[Dan Heng can't deny that it's a good reason to bring the fight to it, even if it means putting Blade in danger. The man has been in danger of this demon since accepting a pact with it, willingly or not.]

Then I won't argue that point any further. You're resolute in this, and that is enough.

[Honestly... he's glad to see this. He's glad to see the real Blade and not the shadow of a dead man. This fire suits the other man far more than the cold, desolate acceptance did.

That said, this reincarnated dragon still has his pride. Dan Heng won't bow to the likes of this demon. That much of Imbibitor Lunae is still alive and well in his latest successor. As such, he lifts his chin up a bit at Blade's words.]

I welcome it to despise me as much as it likes. I hope I'm the last thing it sees. [He then takes a sip of his tea.] But I'll reach out to you. I'm tired of losing you like this.

[Maybe by helping to save Blade in this way, he can prove to himself that it will be different in this life.

Dan Heng scoffs softly, but it's with amusement.]

That won't be necessary. I said you can't smith. That doesn't mean you can't put together a new model. Besides that, even on your sick bed, I don't trust you to properly feed yourself, so I might stay at your place until you've recovered.

[And he casually sips his tea again like this is a normal thing for him. It's very much not, but Blade's bringing out a side of him that he didn't really know had been there.]

[The pride in the dragon's eyes and that arrogant tilt of his head... It's familiar, definitely, but it only makes Blade smile slightly.

I'm tired of losing you like this.

... They really are rewriting destiny, here. And he's determined to do it right this time. This... this is a samsara they can break free of, together. They have to. They need to.]

You won't lose me. Not this time.

[He means it.]

... You would stay?

[His tail wags a little faster. He somehow manages to keep a straight face, and he's definitely ignoring the statement that he can't feed himself.]

[Dan Heng can see that this is a silent promise. He closes his eyes for a moment. If there's one outcome the Vidyadhara man doesn't want to think about, it's failure. This is too important to accept anything other than success.

He opens his eyes and nods.]

Alright.

[Dan Heng smiles slightly and nods again.]

I would, if you'll have me.

[Blade's expression is a little muted, but even so, he's... glad to hear it. A few months ago he was convinced he'd die alone and unknown.

He reaches out, then, and covers one of Dan Heng's hands with his own.]

I won't turn you away.

[His crimson eyes are warm, like embers more than flame.]

... Thank you.

[There's a subtle look of contentment to have Blade's hand covering one of his. Dan Heng's eyes soften somewhat.]

You're welcome.

[He turns his hand so that he can run his thumb over the other man's knuckles. Gentle and soothing.]

Was there anything else you wanted to discuss? [Faintly amused, he adds:] Other than more mundane topics.

[He blushes faintly at the thumb rubbing, a subtle but intimate little gesture.]

... Not really. I just wanted to see you.

[He thinks, I always want to see you. He doesn't say this, however.]

[Blade might not say it, but Dan Heng can absolutely guess that's what he's thinking.]

Mm... I'm sorry you won't see me as much once it gets closer to finals. But I plan on making it up to you afterwards.

[It's the least he can do after basically becoming a hermit after Thanksgiving. Dan Heng might only leave the house for their December date.]

You don't have to 'make up' anything. Your education and your career are important. I would never ask you to choose me over them.

[He didn't ask back then, either. It was a choice that Dan Feng made on his own.]

I will wait as long as it takes. I promised, after all.

[He looks away for a moment.]

... Besides, two degrees? It's impressive... [quietly] and a little hot.

[ASJKAJKSLASJELAJSKLADKLALF]

[He stares at Blade for a long moment, but then he relaxes a little and gives him a small nod. Having his support means a lot, especially for this final hurdle.]

In that case, I'd like to celebrate with you on the last day I have my finals if possible.

[Dan Heng then blinks when he hears that having two degrees is... hot? That's a new one for him. He doesn't really like to brag about it. Not just because he feels like it's in poor taste, but also because he doesn't think it's quite that impressive. He at least knows better than to say that out loud by this point.]

Thank... you? [...] It used to be a dream of mine to work in the Congressional Archives. At least, eventually.

[Blade tries to pretend that his eyes didn't just light up at that. He's a little pathetic and he knows it. ... But his tail is wagging. As always.]

Then we will.

[Dan Heng might be puzzled, but Blade's slight blush says everything. He glances back at Dan Heng.]

Hmm. You would have been great at it. You still could be, but...

I understand our situation doesn't make things easy. And that would be a long commute.

[Dan Heng simply smiles as he sees the way Blade lights up at that. He thinks it's endearing, at least.

The Vidyadhara man gives a slight nod, though he looks down at his tea for a moment.]

Mm... I'm afraid that it's not a career path available to me anyway.

[He thinks for another few seconds before coming to some kind of conclusion. Dan Heng finishes his tea.]

Do you have time for a walk?

[Maybe it seems out of nowhere, but he doesn't want to talk about it in a cafe. He'd rather be outside to tell his partner something this personal. It's more than past time he opens up a little more to Blade, and try to trust him with things like this.]

[Blade tilts his head when he hears that, his ears flopping a little.]

Is that so...

[There's definitely more to the story, here. He takes a long sip of his chai and finishes it as well.]

I do. Let's go, then.

[He gathers their empty cups and pops them into the recycling, and then he steps closer, his bandaged hand not-so-subtly reaching for Dan Heng's own.]

[Stop being so fucking cute, sir.

Dan Heng gets up out of his seat and walks with Blade. As the other man reaches out for his hand, he reaches back to take it and threads his fingers between Blade's. Going out into the autumn chill is refreshing, though he's grateful that being from Boston means he doesn't feel the cold quite as badly. What with having one shoulder bare as it is, as well as some... openings in his shirt.

He doesn't speak for a minute, but eventually he does find his words.]

My parents worked very hard for my little sister and I when they moved here from China. They wanted the best for us, but they also wanted one of us to be a doctor or lawyer. They felt it would be secure as a career, as well as something that would be more rewarding for the hard work put into school.

[There's a subtle squeeze to Blade's hand when he goes quiet for a moment.]

That wasn't what I wanted to do, but my parents had given up much for us and I didn't want to... disappoint them. Plus, I knew that there'd be pressure put on my sister if I didn't. She would've gotten into a big argument with them about it, so I decided to go along with it instead. Try to keep the peace.

What I'm doing now is the compromise we reached. Although I'm not a doctor, a research scientist with a degree in archival sciences does allow me to get into two fields, even if one of them isn't quite as... prestigious as the other.

[Is it any wonder that Blade can't stop staring at him when he's just. Showing skin like that. Goodness. He's very happy about the handholding, though, if the wagging tail wasn't an indication. He's smiling, too, though his eyes are cast downward almost as if he's shy.

He listens attentively, ears turned toward the dragon and his calming voice. This story is one that he's heard before. Blade doesn't remember if he was pressured. He can't see himself as anything but an engineer... Maybe he was lucky in that respect.]

You gave up your dream for them.

[A statement, not a question. He's quiet for a long moment, and then he squeezes Dan Heng's hand in turn.]

Why do I feel like... this isn't the first time you've done this...?

[He shakes his head. Then he tugs Dan Heng off the main sidewalk, and towards a park bench. Somewhere to stand out of the way. He takes Dan Heng's other hand in his, too, and faces him.]

Maybe someone else would tell you that your life does not belong to you alone, and that pursuing your own interests is somehow selfish. Not me. I think you've given up your life for other people from the beginning. Hundreds of times, for your people, for your duty, for the Luofu. How could someone like that be called selfish?

So, this time around...

[He smiles a little, though it's more like a smirk. He's confident in what he's saying.]

... You should be as 'selfish' as you want to be. It's your life. When this is all over, if you want to work in Congress, you should try. If you decide you want to keep traveling the world and see every part of the Spirit Realm, you should do that, too.

I'm willing to bet that no one's ever told you that you're allowed. So I'm telling you instead.

Do what makes you happy.

Mm.

[Dan Heng can only make a soft noise in acknowledgment to Blade's statement. He lets himself be led away to the bench. He lets his other hand be taken and meets his partner's eyes with some curiosity.

It's only in retrospect that he can say he's done this before. Hundreds, thousands of times before. Back then, he hadn't been allowed to feel, let alone dream. His dreams died in childhood for the good of his kin.

And now Blade is asking for him to be selfish. To do what makes him happy, even if it's against his family's wishes. Dan Heng isn't sure he has that strength anymore. When was the last time—?

Ah. He remembers, momentarily. A flash from his life as Dan Feng. Pain and grief. A singular thought:

"Just this once, I want—"

There's pain in his light green eyes, glancing away from Blade for a moment. He squeezes the other man's hands tightly against that echo of pain. Unfortunately, in this life, he's haunted by all of his lives before in a clarity he never had as the previous Dan Heng.

If he's being brutally honest with himself, Dan Heng fears both Blade's untimely death and his own selfish desires. Being selfish hurt the people he loved dearly. Dan Heng has to seriously wonder if he can be trusted to be anything other than selfless.]

I....

[His voice wavers from emotion, and he pauses. He takes a breath in to calm himself, regain his composure. Dan Heng opens his mouth to try again, but his voice catches and he's unable to meet Blade's gaze. So, with a soft sigh, the former High Elder lets go of Blade's hands and embraces him instead. His grip is tight as he buries his head in the other man's shoulder, hiding his face for a moment.]

I can't, [he admits, his voice quiet. Small. Strained.]

[Blade knows exactly what he said, and he doesn't take it back. He can tell from the pain in Dan Heng's eyes that he's thinking of the unfortunate series of events that led to Blade's immortality.

But that was in the past. Blade intends to live this life like he couldn't before, and he wants Dan Heng to, also. Maybe the demon will try now and then to resurface those feelings of anguish and despair and fury, but the other Blade never denied the love, either. They were two sides of the same coin, love and hatred, and at the end of the day he simply felt resignation.

... No. Those events won't come to pass again. They won't.

He accepts Dan Heng into his arms and all but clings right back, covering him in his coat sleeves. If he's not careful he might poke himself on Dan Heng's horns but he's... weirdly used to this? Seems like his body still remembers.]

Okay, [he says simply, as he gently strokes the silky dark hair before him.] Okay.

... I know there are some things we still haven't forgiven ourselves for. Things that are too hard to talk about.

[He still has nightmares about hurting Dan Heng. About the people he killed. He doesn't see their faces all the time, but when he does, he wakes up with an awful pain in his chest and the taste of copper in his mouth.]

But still... we were different people then. You finally have a life free of the politics that ruled your past on the Xianzhou. And I... I have a chance to be free of this madness.

This cycle of misery ends with me. You were the one who convinced me that I could, so I will definitely prove it to you someday. I will.

[He presses a kiss into Dan Heng's hair, and falls silent again.]

Edited 2023-11-03 23:53 (UTC)

[As much as Dan Heng wants to explain himself, the words simply won't form. He feels too much, and he knows he'll say the wrong thing or explain it in a way that won't make sense because of it. That Blade tells him it's okay and strokes his hair brings him comfort. It makes him relax his grip marginally.

At least Blade understands that this is something he hasn't forgiven himself for and is hard to talk about. Dan Heng's past still has him bound in chains. Though he struggles against them, even he has to yield to the ones that are too strong for him at the moment. If it's even possible to break them.

The High Elder is silent as he listens. He tilts his head slightly into the kiss planted in his hair, but he remains quiet for a few heartbeats longer.]

I... can't trust myself to be selfish yet. Too many had been hurt.

[Too many hurt, and all of them let the blame fall onto Dan Heng's shoulders for Dan Feng's crimes. Even Blade. Even Jingliu. Perhaps even Jing Yuan. No matter who he is or the different person he's become in the next life, that blame follows him as an unwanted shadow. Dan Heng can't dismiss it out of hand entirely... but he also doesn't want to fall into those same pitfalls the previous Dan Heng did.]

But I know you can break free from that cycle. I know you will.

[Never has that been in any doubt. Blade will someday reclaim what he's lost and make his own future.]

I have much to overcome myself. [Dan Heng takes a deep breath and then looks up at Blade's face.] But I will show you that I'm still one of the Nameless at heart. I can still blaze a trail for myself.

[He'll prove that he's just as much a Trailblazer as he is Imbibitor Lunae.]

[They both have so much horrible history following them, and the weight of a negative karma that can be felt in every memory, in every step taken. He would never make light of it. Even so, his dearest wish, he realizes, is for them to just be free. The spirits of Dan Feng, Imbibitor Lunae, and Yingxing, Furnace Master, deserve to be put to rest. And deep down, Blade knows that those two would also want their future incarnations to be happy. It's not something that he's able to articulate at the moment but he feels it strongly.

His hands move upward, sweeping instead up the dragon's slender neck, callused fingertips drawing over his cheeks until he frames Dan Heng's face with his hands. His touch is full of reverence, not violence, and his eyes carry nearly enough warmth to dispel the cold.]

Of course you will, [he echoes with conviction.] Once you put your mind to something, there is no changing it.

Teach me yet again. Show me what it means to carve your own path.

[He leans in and rests his forehead against Dan Heng's, a tiny smile lingering on his lips. He brushes his thumbs beneath the other man's eyes.]

... I am beginning to understand why I fall for you every time.

[He's so beautiful, even when he's telling Blade no.]

Edited 2023-11-04 11:05 (UTC)

IC Inbox

3/3

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)