heng_like_a_dragon

[Blade tries to pretend that his eyes didn't just light up at that. He's a little pathetic and he knows it. ... But his tail is wagging. As always.]

Then we will.

[Dan Heng might be puzzled, but Blade's slight blush says everything. He glances back at Dan Heng.]

Hmm. You would have been great at it. You still could be, but...

I understand our situation doesn't make things easy. And that would be a long commute.

[Dan Heng simply smiles as he sees the way Blade lights up at that. He thinks it's endearing, at least.

The Vidyadhara man gives a slight nod, though he looks down at his tea for a moment.]

Mm... I'm afraid that it's not a career path available to me anyway.

[He thinks for another few seconds before coming to some kind of conclusion. Dan Heng finishes his tea.]

Do you have time for a walk?

[Maybe it seems out of nowhere, but he doesn't want to talk about it in a cafe. He'd rather be outside to tell his partner something this personal. It's more than past time he opens up a little more to Blade, and try to trust him with things like this.]

[Blade tilts his head when he hears that, his ears flopping a little.]

Is that so...

[There's definitely more to the story, here. He takes a long sip of his chai and finishes it as well.]

I do. Let's go, then.

[He gathers their empty cups and pops them into the recycling, and then he steps closer, his bandaged hand not-so-subtly reaching for Dan Heng's own.]

[Stop being so fucking cute, sir.

Dan Heng gets up out of his seat and walks with Blade. As the other man reaches out for his hand, he reaches back to take it and threads his fingers between Blade's. Going out into the autumn chill is refreshing, though he's grateful that being from Boston means he doesn't feel the cold quite as badly. What with having one shoulder bare as it is, as well as some... openings in his shirt.

He doesn't speak for a minute, but eventually he does find his words.]

My parents worked very hard for my little sister and I when they moved here from China. They wanted the best for us, but they also wanted one of us to be a doctor or lawyer. They felt it would be secure as a career, as well as something that would be more rewarding for the hard work put into school.

[There's a subtle squeeze to Blade's hand when he goes quiet for a moment.]

That wasn't what I wanted to do, but my parents had given up much for us and I didn't want to... disappoint them. Plus, I knew that there'd be pressure put on my sister if I didn't. She would've gotten into a big argument with them about it, so I decided to go along with it instead. Try to keep the peace.

What I'm doing now is the compromise we reached. Although I'm not a doctor, a research scientist with a degree in archival sciences does allow me to get into two fields, even if one of them isn't quite as... prestigious as the other.

[Is it any wonder that Blade can't stop staring at him when he's just. Showing skin like that. Goodness. He's very happy about the handholding, though, if the wagging tail wasn't an indication. He's smiling, too, though his eyes are cast downward almost as if he's shy.

He listens attentively, ears turned toward the dragon and his calming voice. This story is one that he's heard before. Blade doesn't remember if he was pressured. He can't see himself as anything but an engineer... Maybe he was lucky in that respect.]

You gave up your dream for them.

[A statement, not a question. He's quiet for a long moment, and then he squeezes Dan Heng's hand in turn.]

Why do I feel like... this isn't the first time you've done this...?

[He shakes his head. Then he tugs Dan Heng off the main sidewalk, and towards a park bench. Somewhere to stand out of the way. He takes Dan Heng's other hand in his, too, and faces him.]

Maybe someone else would tell you that your life does not belong to you alone, and that pursuing your own interests is somehow selfish. Not me. I think you've given up your life for other people from the beginning. Hundreds of times, for your people, for your duty, for the Luofu. How could someone like that be called selfish?

So, this time around...

[He smiles a little, though it's more like a smirk. He's confident in what he's saying.]

... You should be as 'selfish' as you want to be. It's your life. When this is all over, if you want to work in Congress, you should try. If you decide you want to keep traveling the world and see every part of the Spirit Realm, you should do that, too.

I'm willing to bet that no one's ever told you that you're allowed. So I'm telling you instead.

Do what makes you happy.

Mm.

[Dan Heng can only make a soft noise in acknowledgment to Blade's statement. He lets himself be led away to the bench. He lets his other hand be taken and meets his partner's eyes with some curiosity.

It's only in retrospect that he can say he's done this before. Hundreds, thousands of times before. Back then, he hadn't been allowed to feel, let alone dream. His dreams died in childhood for the good of his kin.

And now Blade is asking for him to be selfish. To do what makes him happy, even if it's against his family's wishes. Dan Heng isn't sure he has that strength anymore. When was the last time—?

Ah. He remembers, momentarily. A flash from his life as Dan Feng. Pain and grief. A singular thought:

"Just this once, I want—"

There's pain in his light green eyes, glancing away from Blade for a moment. He squeezes the other man's hands tightly against that echo of pain. Unfortunately, in this life, he's haunted by all of his lives before in a clarity he never had as the previous Dan Heng.

If he's being brutally honest with himself, Dan Heng fears both Blade's untimely death and his own selfish desires. Being selfish hurt the people he loved dearly. Dan Heng has to seriously wonder if he can be trusted to be anything other than selfless.]

I....

[His voice wavers from emotion, and he pauses. He takes a breath in to calm himself, regain his composure. Dan Heng opens his mouth to try again, but his voice catches and he's unable to meet Blade's gaze. So, with a soft sigh, the former High Elder lets go of Blade's hands and embraces him instead. His grip is tight as he buries his head in the other man's shoulder, hiding his face for a moment.]

I can't, [he admits, his voice quiet. Small. Strained.]

[Blade knows exactly what he said, and he doesn't take it back. He can tell from the pain in Dan Heng's eyes that he's thinking of the unfortunate series of events that led to Blade's immortality.

But that was in the past. Blade intends to live this life like he couldn't before, and he wants Dan Heng to, also. Maybe the demon will try now and then to resurface those feelings of anguish and despair and fury, but the other Blade never denied the love, either. They were two sides of the same coin, love and hatred, and at the end of the day he simply felt resignation.

... No. Those events won't come to pass again. They won't.

He accepts Dan Heng into his arms and all but clings right back, covering him in his coat sleeves. If he's not careful he might poke himself on Dan Heng's horns but he's... weirdly used to this? Seems like his body still remembers.]

Okay, [he says simply, as he gently strokes the silky dark hair before him.] Okay.

... I know there are some things we still haven't forgiven ourselves for. Things that are too hard to talk about.

[He still has nightmares about hurting Dan Heng. About the people he killed. He doesn't see their faces all the time, but when he does, he wakes up with an awful pain in his chest and the taste of copper in his mouth.]

But still... we were different people then. You finally have a life free of the politics that ruled your past on the Xianzhou. And I... I have a chance to be free of this madness.

This cycle of misery ends with me. You were the one who convinced me that I could, so I will definitely prove it to you someday. I will.

[He presses a kiss into Dan Heng's hair, and falls silent again.]

Edited 2023-11-03 23:53 (UTC)

[As much as Dan Heng wants to explain himself, the words simply won't form. He feels too much, and he knows he'll say the wrong thing or explain it in a way that won't make sense because of it. That Blade tells him it's okay and strokes his hair brings him comfort. It makes him relax his grip marginally.

At least Blade understands that this is something he hasn't forgiven himself for and is hard to talk about. Dan Heng's past still has him bound in chains. Though he struggles against them, even he has to yield to the ones that are too strong for him at the moment. If it's even possible to break them.

The High Elder is silent as he listens. He tilts his head slightly into the kiss planted in his hair, but he remains quiet for a few heartbeats longer.]

I... can't trust myself to be selfish yet. Too many had been hurt.

[Too many hurt, and all of them let the blame fall onto Dan Heng's shoulders for Dan Feng's crimes. Even Blade. Even Jingliu. Perhaps even Jing Yuan. No matter who he is or the different person he's become in the next life, that blame follows him as an unwanted shadow. Dan Heng can't dismiss it out of hand entirely... but he also doesn't want to fall into those same pitfalls the previous Dan Heng did.]

But I know you can break free from that cycle. I know you will.

[Never has that been in any doubt. Blade will someday reclaim what he's lost and make his own future.]

I have much to overcome myself. [Dan Heng takes a deep breath and then looks up at Blade's face.] But I will show you that I'm still one of the Nameless at heart. I can still blaze a trail for myself.

[He'll prove that he's just as much a Trailblazer as he is Imbibitor Lunae.]

[They both have so much horrible history following them, and the weight of a negative karma that can be felt in every memory, in every step taken. He would never make light of it. Even so, his dearest wish, he realizes, is for them to just be free. The spirits of Dan Feng, Imbibitor Lunae, and Yingxing, Furnace Master, deserve to be put to rest. And deep down, Blade knows that those two would also want their future incarnations to be happy. It's not something that he's able to articulate at the moment but he feels it strongly.

His hands move upward, sweeping instead up the dragon's slender neck, callused fingertips drawing over his cheeks until he frames Dan Heng's face with his hands. His touch is full of reverence, not violence, and his eyes carry nearly enough warmth to dispel the cold.]

Of course you will, [he echoes with conviction.] Once you put your mind to something, there is no changing it.

Teach me yet again. Show me what it means to carve your own path.

[He leans in and rests his forehead against Dan Heng's, a tiny smile lingering on his lips. He brushes his thumbs beneath the other man's eyes.]

... I am beginning to understand why I fall for you every time.

[He's so beautiful, even when he's telling Blade no.]

Edited 2023-11-04 11:05 (UTC)

[Dan Heng doesn't pull back or anything like that as he feels Blade's hands go up his neck to his face. His eyes meet the other man's red eyes, seeing their warmth and feeling the reverence in his touch. This is... a lot. It's intense, but Dan Heng doesn't mind it. It takes a great, passionate fire to get through the icy distance he puts between himself and others.

They both wish to be free from their karma, and he can see that in Blade's eyes. His partner saying that there's no changing his mind gets a small smile from Dan Heng.]

What was it you told me? Ah, yes, 'watch me.'

[The Vidyadhara man is a little surprised when his partner rests their foreheads together, but his eyes and the tiny smile captivates him. Blade's words combined with both their proximity and the thumbs brushing under his eyes has Dan Heng blushing lightly. And yet—]

... I see why my heart remembers you every time, even if it takes my mind some time to catch up.

[Blade's a little surprised to hear his words quoted back at him, and then a touch embarrassed, but... his smile brightens, regardless. It's brief, but impossible to miss.]

Yes.

[And he will keep that promise one day. He is certain. He just has to break free of this damn demon first. He puts that out of his mind for now, ignoring the seething of said demon, and focuses on the gorgeous man between his hands.]

... I... I want to kiss you and never stop.

[He settles for kissing Dan Heng's forehead instead.]

But you would probably kill me, so I won't.

[The bright smile is a good look on Blade. A look that Dan Heng's been seeing so much more often these days. He wants nothing more than to make sure that Blade will have even more reasons to smile brightly in the future. For now... it's something he'll commit to memory and put it somewhere safe in his heart.

That gets a quiet huff of laughter from him, and a slight darkening of his blush.]

You can do that once we get home, but not out here.

[Dan Heng hesitates for a moment... and then gives Blade a quick peck to his lips before pulling away.]

That'll have to tide you over until we get back to your place. Unless you have things you need to do at the forge.

Okaaaay... [He sounds petulant, but he isn't serious about it. He's entranced by that blush, and rubs his thumbs over Dan Heng's cheeks again.

Just that little peck gets his tail wagging at light speed again. He lets his partner pull away, though.]

Consider me free. [He hasn't been possessed by a new project yet but now that he's told Dan Heng about his plans, that'll probably be tomorrow.

He twines their fingers together again, and sneaks in a quick kiss to the dragon's fingertips before relenting.]

[Dan Heng isn't sure what the fascination is with his face right now, but he won't ask. He's just entertained by the fact that little gesture of affection has gotten Blade's dog tail to reach new speeds.

The dragon shakes his head with a subtle fondness in his expression. He keeps hold of Blade's hand as they make their way back to the other man's condo.]

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