heng_like_a_dragon

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[Good talk.

But it was a genuine load off his back.]

[Is it any wonder that Blade can't stop staring at him when he's just. Showing skin like that. Goodness. He's very happy about the handholding, though, if the wagging tail wasn't an indication. He's smiling, too, though his eyes are cast downward almost as if he's shy.

He listens attentively, ears turned toward the dragon and his calming voice. This story is one that he's heard before. Blade doesn't remember if he was pressured. He can't see himself as anything but an engineer... Maybe he was lucky in that respect.]

You gave up your dream for them.

[A statement, not a question. He's quiet for a long moment, and then he squeezes Dan Heng's hand in turn.]

Why do I feel like... this isn't the first time you've done this...?

[He shakes his head. Then he tugs Dan Heng off the main sidewalk, and towards a park bench. Somewhere to stand out of the way. He takes Dan Heng's other hand in his, too, and faces him.]

Maybe someone else would tell you that your life does not belong to you alone, and that pursuing your own interests is somehow selfish. Not me. I think you've given up your life for other people from the beginning. Hundreds of times, for your people, for your duty, for the Luofu. How could someone like that be called selfish?

So, this time around...

[He smiles a little, though it's more like a smirk. He's confident in what he's saying.]

... You should be as 'selfish' as you want to be. It's your life. When this is all over, if you want to work in Congress, you should try. If you decide you want to keep traveling the world and see every part of the Spirit Realm, you should do that, too.

I'm willing to bet that no one's ever told you that you're allowed. So I'm telling you instead.

Do what makes you happy.

Mm.

[Dan Heng can only make a soft noise in acknowledgment to Blade's statement. He lets himself be led away to the bench. He lets his other hand be taken and meets his partner's eyes with some curiosity.

It's only in retrospect that he can say he's done this before. Hundreds, thousands of times before. Back then, he hadn't been allowed to feel, let alone dream. His dreams died in childhood for the good of his kin.

And now Blade is asking for him to be selfish. To do what makes him happy, even if it's against his family's wishes. Dan Heng isn't sure he has that strength anymore. When was the last time—?

Ah. He remembers, momentarily. A flash from his life as Dan Feng. Pain and grief. A singular thought:

"Just this once, I want—"

There's pain in his light green eyes, glancing away from Blade for a moment. He squeezes the other man's hands tightly against that echo of pain. Unfortunately, in this life, he's haunted by all of his lives before in a clarity he never had as the previous Dan Heng.

If he's being brutally honest with himself, Dan Heng fears both Blade's untimely death and his own selfish desires. Being selfish hurt the people he loved dearly. Dan Heng has to seriously wonder if he can be trusted to be anything other than selfless.]

I....

[His voice wavers from emotion, and he pauses. He takes a breath in to calm himself, regain his composure. Dan Heng opens his mouth to try again, but his voice catches and he's unable to meet Blade's gaze. So, with a soft sigh, the former High Elder lets go of Blade's hands and embraces him instead. His grip is tight as he buries his head in the other man's shoulder, hiding his face for a moment.]

I can't, [he admits, his voice quiet. Small. Strained.]

[Blade knows exactly what he said, and he doesn't take it back. He can tell from the pain in Dan Heng's eyes that he's thinking of the unfortunate series of events that led to Blade's immortality.

But that was in the past. Blade intends to live this life like he couldn't before, and he wants Dan Heng to, also. Maybe the demon will try now and then to resurface those feelings of anguish and despair and fury, but the other Blade never denied the love, either. They were two sides of the same coin, love and hatred, and at the end of the day he simply felt resignation.

... No. Those events won't come to pass again. They won't.

He accepts Dan Heng into his arms and all but clings right back, covering him in his coat sleeves. If he's not careful he might poke himself on Dan Heng's horns but he's... weirdly used to this? Seems like his body still remembers.]

Okay, [he says simply, as he gently strokes the silky dark hair before him.] Okay.

... I know there are some things we still haven't forgiven ourselves for. Things that are too hard to talk about.

[He still has nightmares about hurting Dan Heng. About the people he killed. He doesn't see their faces all the time, but when he does, he wakes up with an awful pain in his chest and the taste of copper in his mouth.]

But still... we were different people then. You finally have a life free of the politics that ruled your past on the Xianzhou. And I... I have a chance to be free of this madness.

This cycle of misery ends with me. You were the one who convinced me that I could, so I will definitely prove it to you someday. I will.

[He presses a kiss into Dan Heng's hair, and falls silent again.]

Edited 2023-11-03 23:53 (UTC)

[As much as Dan Heng wants to explain himself, the words simply won't form. He feels too much, and he knows he'll say the wrong thing or explain it in a way that won't make sense because of it. That Blade tells him it's okay and strokes his hair brings him comfort. It makes him relax his grip marginally.

At least Blade understands that this is something he hasn't forgiven himself for and is hard to talk about. Dan Heng's past still has him bound in chains. Though he struggles against them, even he has to yield to the ones that are too strong for him at the moment. If it's even possible to break them.

The High Elder is silent as he listens. He tilts his head slightly into the kiss planted in his hair, but he remains quiet for a few heartbeats longer.]

I... can't trust myself to be selfish yet. Too many had been hurt.

[Too many hurt, and all of them let the blame fall onto Dan Heng's shoulders for Dan Feng's crimes. Even Blade. Even Jingliu. Perhaps even Jing Yuan. No matter who he is or the different person he's become in the next life, that blame follows him as an unwanted shadow. Dan Heng can't dismiss it out of hand entirely... but he also doesn't want to fall into those same pitfalls the previous Dan Heng did.]

But I know you can break free from that cycle. I know you will.

[Never has that been in any doubt. Blade will someday reclaim what he's lost and make his own future.]

I have much to overcome myself. [Dan Heng takes a deep breath and then looks up at Blade's face.] But I will show you that I'm still one of the Nameless at heart. I can still blaze a trail for myself.

[He'll prove that he's just as much a Trailblazer as he is Imbibitor Lunae.]

[They both have so much horrible history following them, and the weight of a negative karma that can be felt in every memory, in every step taken. He would never make light of it. Even so, his dearest wish, he realizes, is for them to just be free. The spirits of Dan Feng, Imbibitor Lunae, and Yingxing, Furnace Master, deserve to be put to rest. And deep down, Blade knows that those two would also want their future incarnations to be happy. It's not something that he's able to articulate at the moment but he feels it strongly.

His hands move upward, sweeping instead up the dragon's slender neck, callused fingertips drawing over his cheeks until he frames Dan Heng's face with his hands. His touch is full of reverence, not violence, and his eyes carry nearly enough warmth to dispel the cold.]

Of course you will, [he echoes with conviction.] Once you put your mind to something, there is no changing it.

Teach me yet again. Show me what it means to carve your own path.

[He leans in and rests his forehead against Dan Heng's, a tiny smile lingering on his lips. He brushes his thumbs beneath the other man's eyes.]

... I am beginning to understand why I fall for you every time.

[He's so beautiful, even when he's telling Blade no.]

Edited 2023-11-04 11:05 (UTC)

[Dan Heng doesn't pull back or anything like that as he feels Blade's hands go up his neck to his face. His eyes meet the other man's red eyes, seeing their warmth and feeling the reverence in his touch. This is... a lot. It's intense, but Dan Heng doesn't mind it. It takes a great, passionate fire to get through the icy distance he puts between himself and others.

They both wish to be free from their karma, and he can see that in Blade's eyes. His partner saying that there's no changing his mind gets a small smile from Dan Heng.]

What was it you told me? Ah, yes, 'watch me.'

[The Vidyadhara man is a little surprised when his partner rests their foreheads together, but his eyes and the tiny smile captivates him. Blade's words combined with both their proximity and the thumbs brushing under his eyes has Dan Heng blushing lightly. And yet—]

... I see why my heart remembers you every time, even if it takes my mind some time to catch up.

[Blade's a little surprised to hear his words quoted back at him, and then a touch embarrassed, but... his smile brightens, regardless. It's brief, but impossible to miss.]

Yes.

[And he will keep that promise one day. He is certain. He just has to break free of this damn demon first. He puts that out of his mind for now, ignoring the seething of said demon, and focuses on the gorgeous man between his hands.]

... I... I want to kiss you and never stop.

[He settles for kissing Dan Heng's forehead instead.]

But you would probably kill me, so I won't.

[The bright smile is a good look on Blade. A look that Dan Heng's been seeing so much more often these days. He wants nothing more than to make sure that Blade will have even more reasons to smile brightly in the future. For now... it's something he'll commit to memory and put it somewhere safe in his heart.

That gets a quiet huff of laughter from him, and a slight darkening of his blush.]

You can do that once we get home, but not out here.

[Dan Heng hesitates for a moment... and then gives Blade a quick peck to his lips before pulling away.]

That'll have to tide you over until we get back to your place. Unless you have things you need to do at the forge.

Okaaaay... [He sounds petulant, but he isn't serious about it. He's entranced by that blush, and rubs his thumbs over Dan Heng's cheeks again.

Just that little peck gets his tail wagging at light speed again. He lets his partner pull away, though.]

Consider me free. [He hasn't been possessed by a new project yet but now that he's told Dan Heng about his plans, that'll probably be tomorrow.

He twines their fingers together again, and sneaks in a quick kiss to the dragon's fingertips before relenting.]

[Dan Heng isn't sure what the fascination is with his face right now, but he won't ask. He's just entertained by the fact that little gesture of affection has gotten Blade's dog tail to reach new speeds.

The dragon shakes his head with a subtle fondness in his expression. He keeps hold of Blade's hand as they make their way back to the other man's condo.]

[Today has been a long, long night. He still looks like he came down a chimney upside down and then got shoved into a dryer, but that doesn't stop Blade from stripping his coat and shoes when he and Dan Heng walk into his condo.]

Somehow the yokai didn't break in. [He eyes the appliances in his kitchen from around the corner.] Doesn't look like anything moved, either.

[He stifles a yawn and realizes he's more tired than he thought. Maybe some... food will help...]

... Let me clean up and I'll make something.

[Dan Heng is also tired from the battles and nonstop stress, but it's not on the same level as Blade's. That said, he hasn't changed to his human form. It's just too much energy to keep it up, and so he remains as Imbibitor Lunae.

As they step inside, he slips off his boots and goes to put on the slippers he's left in Blade's condo. He hums softly in acknowledgement as he notes that the place hasn't been broken into, which is a blessing. Though, when his partner says that, Dan Heng decides that it's time to have the man pay an overdue price. He reaches down, takes one of his own slippers, and lightly swats Blade's shoulder with it. His mother would've been far less gentle about it, but Dan Heng isn't her.]

That was for scaring me with that explosion.

[His tone is stern as he then puts on his slipper and steps further into the condo.]

I'll make something. You clean up. The Shadow's dominance may have weakened me, but not enough to where I can't make food for both of us.

[He steps in front of Blade for a moment; his light green eyes gaze up at his face. Dan Heng hesitates only for a second before putting a gentle hand on Blade's sooty cheek. His voice softens as he says:]

You have have done above and beyond enough, Yingxing.

[Once again, Blade yelps, this time at the slap of the slipper. It's not as hard as he's expecting, but he can't say he's too surprised by it either.]

... I'm sorry for worrying you.

[He's not trying to look like a kicked puppy but the ears are doing him no favors. Blade watches Dan Heng make his way further in, feeling a little helpless (and maybe also hopeless).]

You always take care of me. [He closes his eyes for a moment, and leans into the gentle hand on his cheek. His voice is a little rough.] I don't want you to resent me for it.

[In this life and the last, he fought and fought and fought so he wouldn't be a burden to anyone.]

[His heart breaks a little at the admission. He rubs his thumb gently under Blade's cheek, but then his hand slips through his hair and starts gently scratching behind his fluffy ear.]

And you also take care of me. Neither of us can be strong and capable all the time.

[Dan Heng sighs softly. Even in this life, they're both continuing to be strong as if they're alone. A habit that's annoyingly hard to break for various reasons, with Dan Heng's being that his pride sometimes balks at the idea of not being strong enough to handle things on his own.]

But you just came out of a mech that exploded with you in it and fought off what must've been an army of demons. I did not have to use as much of my power as I thought I would, and I am happy to take the burden of cooking a meal off of your shoulders. [He pauses, and then uses his cloudhymn to hover just high enough so that he can rest his forehead against Blade's. His voice grows softer.] However, if you feel that strongly about it, then we can both cook.

[Blade makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a whine and he doesn't even care because the affection is what he needed after today. That was a rough fight. For both of them. But they fought for their home, and that's what's important. Everything else... can be dealt with later.

He reaches up with his tired hands to gently caress his partner's cheeks, stroking all the way back to his pointy ears, and then forward again to his jaw and neck.]

All right... you can cook this time. But I'll do the dishes after.

[He presses a kiss to Dan Heng's nose, and adds:]

I'll admit, I'm starting to feel it.

[Dan Heng resists the urge to coo when he hears that whine. Instead, he just reaches up with his other hand to scratch behind Blade's other ear, too. When Blade returns the affection, his eyes flutter closed for a brief second and his shoulders seem to relax a little.]

Okay.

[He smiles a little and presses a kiss to Blade's cheek. With a little reluctance, the High Elder pulls away and lowers himself back down to the ground.]

Then be a good boy and wash up.

[Dan Heng heads into the kitchen. They're not done, really, with this conversation, but he's waiting until they settle in with their meal to get into it. And Blade deserves to have a shower to feel human again.]

[He wishes he could linger in this affection forever. He makes a mental note to lavish more loving affection and attention on Dan Heng when he's out of the shower, because it's obvious that he's as touch-starved as Blade himself.

Blade's ears immediately perk up and his tail starts going insane at that phrase. It... takes a moment for his brain to catch up.]

Hold on—

[But then he's gone, leaving Blade blushing hard and wanting to hide his face in his hands... He does this for a moment, sucks in a breath, and then walks into his bedroom to scream into his shower about it.

He reemerges about fifteen minutes later. He's wearing long sleeves and stretchy pants, and he took a quick shower. Overall he looks refreshed, but he's wincing a little as he stands in the doorway to the kitchen, rubbing his side.]

[Dan Heng has no idea what he's done to Blade by saying that to him. It'll probably happen again.

He makes them both a quick stir-fry with rice. The High Elder moves about with an ease of knowing where Blade keeps everything in his kitchen, and he's quite skilled in tossing the ingredients through the soy sauce and oil. Dan Heng senses his partner's presence, but doesn't let that distract him from plating their food nicely.]

We should possibly sit at the table instead of the couch. Not to put too fine a point on it, but we're less likely to nod off into our plates that way.

[Blade isn't even sure he wants to explain. Worse is that he thinks Dan Heng finds the dog thing cute and Blade can't help but encourage that because he loves the attention. It's a bit too much to unpack right now, covered in bruises as he is.]

That's fine with me. I almost fell asleep in the shower. [He pours them both some weak iced tea, and sets it on the table along with chopsticks.]

Thank you for the food.

[He makes his way back over to Dan Heng so he can kiss his cheek, and then he'll sit down.]

[Dan Heng instinctively leans into the kiss to his cheek, though he blushes lightly. In this particular moment, he feels like a housewife suddenly.]

... You're welcome.

[Don't mind him. He's feeling a little shy. The High Elder takes the plates and sets them at the table before taking his seat, too. Dan Heng takes a few bites of food in silence for a moment before glancing at Blade. His favoring of one side hasn't escaped his notice.]

Yingxing. [Shit, he says that before he can really think of how he wants to word this. Dan Heng sighs softly, annoyed at his own weakness, but decides to roll with it instead.] ... I know you don't need any more harping on the matter, but... I worry that one day you're not going to have your regenerative powers to save you from situations like that. Dan Feng once had the power to heal with his cloudhymn. However, that power wasn't passed on to me.

[It's hard to say if Blade had that information already in their past lives, but he needs to be honest about it now with him, just in case. The fact this power has eluded him in this life as well... saddens him. With healing magic, that would've been another way he could help protect the people he loves.]

Hm?

[He lets go of his side when he hears his name, like a child being caught picking at a bandage. But Dan Heng has something important to say, and Blade absorbs it quietly. He sets his chopsticks down.]

... Because of my plan, you mean.

[Dan Heng has a point. If Blade continues being reckless like this when he doesn't have powers, he's almost sure to repeat the disaster that led to the his first death.

Blade closes his eyes for a moment, and takes in a breath.]

I... didn't realize how much worry you must feel watching me. You were never my backup plan, it's just... I should have died so many times, I suppose I take it for granted.

[He should know better.]

I've been reckless in every memory I have, in every life, but I don't want that to be something that hurts you, too.

[Dan Heng's quiet as he listens to Blade. After a moment of hesitation, he puts down his chopsticks and reaches out to gently place his hand on top of his partner's.]

I took someone for granted once. I thought he would be a constant presence in my life. [As he speaks, his tone is quiet and... has an undertone of sorrow and regret.] Now, he's gone. He was a steep cost to learn this lesson.

I don't want to take you for granted, too, especially with power like this. I don't want to hurt you like that.

[Blade's fingers twitch beneath Dan Heng's hand, until he turns his palm over so he can hold the Vidyadhara's hand. He feels his cheeks pinken and ignores it, just like he's ignoring the slow swish of his tail.

This... isn't about him. Dan Heng is talking about someone he knew, not a phantom from his past life.

Blade listens.]

... I'm sorry you lost him.

[Whoever he was, friend or family, he was obviously very dear to Dan Heng.]

I don't know if you could ever make me feel that way. I'm... grateful that you think of me at all. [It sounds a little pathetic when he says that out loud.] You've only ever made me feel... cared about, in this life. Even when I didn't understand it at all.

[He takes a deep breath.]

... Dan Heng. I can't promise that I won't ever take risks. I know the kind of person I am, and I won't hesitate if it's something I know I can do.

[...]

But I can be a little more careful. I need to learn how to fight with my own strength, rather than depending on anything the beast has given me. If that means letting you fight for me sometimes, I will simply have to get over it, or else find a different way to help.

[Dan Heng looks down and threads his fingers between Blade's, squeezing his hand unconsciously. His shoulders seem to slump a little, as if he carries a great, invisible weight. He shakes his head, but it's such a small gesture that he'd be forgiven for missing it.]

No matter how grossly misled he'd been, it was... still his choice. All I have left are memories... and regrets.

[He shakes his head again, more firmly this time.]

... But that is neither here nor there.

[The Vidyadhara looks up at Blade. His calm expression doesn't reveal anything obvious, but he does understand. They're both similar in this regard. It just comes from different places.]

As long as you're a little more careful, that will be enough. I won't like the recklessness and risks you take, but I also can't imagine you being anything else, either. I'll manage.

[But at least Blade won't go treating death like it doesn't apply to him. Whether it's true or not is irrelevant in the face of something taking that power away from Blade in a critical moment. The cabin incident is immediately brought to mind.]

That said... [He smiles. Soft and small.] I would've cared even if we didn't have this.

[Speaking of not having something. Dan Heng suddenly looks a little guilty.]

I also need to apologize. About the bracelet you gave me.

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