[Dan Heng can only make a soft noise in acknowledgment to Blade's statement. He lets himself be led away to the bench. He lets his other hand be taken and meets his partner's eyes with some curiosity.
It's only in retrospect that he can say he's done this before. Hundreds, thousands of times before. Back then, he hadn't been allowed to feel, let alone dream. His dreams died in childhood for the good of his kin.
And now Blade is asking for him to be selfish. To do what makes him happy, even if it's against his family's wishes. Dan Heng isn't sure he has that strength anymore. When was the last time—?
Ah. He remembers, momentarily. A flash from his life as Dan Feng. Pain and grief. A singular thought:
"Just this once, I want—"
There's pain in his light green eyes, glancing away from Blade for a moment. He squeezes the other man's hands tightly against that echo of pain. Unfortunately, in this life, he's haunted by all of his lives before in a clarity he never had as the previous Dan Heng.
If he's being brutally honest with himself, Dan Heng fears both Blade's untimely death and his own selfish desires. Being selfish hurt the people he loved dearly. Dan Heng has to seriously wonder if he can be trusted to be anything other than selfless.]
I....
[His voice wavers from emotion, and he pauses. He takes a breath in to calm himself, regain his composure. Dan Heng opens his mouth to try again, but his voice catches and he's unable to meet Blade's gaze. So, with a soft sigh, the former High Elder lets go of Blade's hands and embraces him instead. His grip is tight as he buries his head in the other man's shoulder, hiding his face for a moment.]
I can't, [he admits, his voice quiet. Small. Strained.]
no subject
[Dan Heng can only make a soft noise in acknowledgment to Blade's statement. He lets himself be led away to the bench. He lets his other hand be taken and meets his partner's eyes with some curiosity.
It's only in retrospect that he can say he's done this before. Hundreds, thousands of times before. Back then, he hadn't been allowed to feel, let alone dream. His dreams died in childhood for the good of his kin.
And now Blade is asking for him to be selfish. To do what makes him happy, even if it's against his family's wishes. Dan Heng isn't sure he has that strength anymore. When was the last time—?
Ah. He remembers, momentarily. A flash from his life as Dan Feng. Pain and grief. A singular thought:
"Just this once, I want—"
There's pain in his light green eyes, glancing away from Blade for a moment. He squeezes the other man's hands tightly against that echo of pain. Unfortunately, in this life, he's haunted by all of his lives before in a clarity he never had as the previous Dan Heng.
If he's being brutally honest with himself, Dan Heng fears both Blade's untimely death and his own selfish desires. Being selfish hurt the people he loved dearly. Dan Heng has to seriously wonder if he can be trusted to be anything other than selfless.]
I....
[His voice wavers from emotion, and he pauses. He takes a breath in to calm himself, regain his composure. Dan Heng opens his mouth to try again, but his voice catches and he's unable to meet Blade's gaze. So, with a soft sigh, the former High Elder lets go of Blade's hands and embraces him instead. His grip is tight as he buries his head in the other man's shoulder, hiding his face for a moment.]
I can't, [he admits, his voice quiet. Small. Strained.]